He asked God to prove his innocence and forgive him in the same prayer. Up until his mid-40’s, Gene’s career was his only aim, but legal action brought him to his knees. He knew he was guilty, but not of the charges they were bringing against him. He came to Christ during a time of trouble, and he assumed that Christ would remove his restlessness, which never happened.
A few years later, the Lord delivered Gene from the false accusations, but Gene was left with insomnia from the years of legal battles. A disquieted feeling never seemed to leave him. Over those years, he had grown close to the Lord. He became deeply involved in a biblical church and spent time in prayer. A few years later, he even began teaching Sunday School. The problem was, he felt like a hypocrite.
When he looked around at all the people in his church, most had been Christians all their lives. They seemed to glow with joy and peace. He would go to small group and listen to the praises and prayer requests. Most of the requests were for things like safe travels for a trip or clarity for a decision. Then the following week, they would praise God for answering their prayers. Gene’s needs were much more burdensome and never seemed to be answered that quickly, if at all.
He prayed regularly for that peaceful feeling, but it never seemed to come. Something interesting began to happen, though. People began responding to his Sunday School lessons. Every week, as he would prepare to teach, every verse he studied was like a balm to his troubled soul. The process also left him exhausted.
He began to teach the word as if the very life of his listeners depended on it. This sincerity happened naturally because he taught the word for his own survival. At the same time, he felt that every lesson left him exposed, leading him to take long, uncomfortable pauses before every public prayer. Teaching felt like both a blessing and a risk. He didn’t know how long he could keep doing it.
Eventually, people began coming to him one-on-one with more serious prayer requests and concerns. One church member even came to him for guidance because he had suffered years of depression. This reliance on him only deepened Gene’s imposter syndrome. How could he counsel his brothers and sisters in Christ with their deepest hurts when he could not sing certain hymns because he felt his life didn’t align with the song’s message?
He did not hide his own struggles; he told everyone who came to him with their problems about it. He did not want to mislead them. He was not a guy who had it all together, so if they came to him, they needed to know they were coming to a fellow sufferer. After conversations like these, he would need an hour or two of silence to recover.
Gene eventually retired from his job and gave even more time to the church, serving as an elder. He never felt worthy of that position. Eventually, Gene’s health began to fail, and he had to stop serving at the church. No more teaching, no more being an elder, all he had the strength to do was attend service, worship, and go home to rest.
The pastor, knowing this, wanted to do something special for Gene. So, one morning, without letting Gene know, he sent out an announcement to current and former members of the church, informing them they would spend some time during the service praising God for using Gene in their lives.
The morning came. Gene arrived, and he had trouble finding a place to sit. He wondered what was going on, but he was glad to see the church full of faces he hadn’t seen in a long time. Then the pastor opened up for a time of testimony of how God used Gene in their lives.
A long line formed as one person after another stood up and said things like:
“I was at my lowest point, and Gene was with me in my suffering.”
“Gene didn’t speak to my troubles as an outsider; he understood what I was going through. Gene was how God answered my prayer for help.”
“I had never heard a man teach the Bible like Gene. He taught the Bible like he saw what was going on in the deepest part of my soul. The Lord taught me how to rest in his word through Gene’s teaching.”
Then the pastor said something that especially ministered to Gene’s soul.
“I believed the Lord used you, Gene, in our lives the way he did, because the Holy Spirit was so active in your heart that you felt the pain of this fallen world. Yes, you found rest in Christ for the forgiveness of sins, but this world could never be your home.” Turning to the congregation, he said, “That is the reason the scriptures were alive for him. They were his food, his life support, and every time he found something to eat, he shared it with us. That is why he was able to minister to us in our time of need, because he was in the dungeon with us.”
Gene went home that night, quietly thankful. He had never felt worthy of the work the Lord had given him, and he did not feel worthy now.
Gene died a few months later in his sleep.
When he opened his eyes, the ache was gone. The rest he had prayed for all his life was now his reality.
Around him stood a multitude—some familiar, others not. He recognized them not by their faces, but by the waiting they had shared.
-D. Eaton
The Fight of Faith 